sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize