so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize