my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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