OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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