you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
