well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
