my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
