i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
