bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
