I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Randomize
