So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
