Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
