I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
