i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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