Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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