his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You pole danced in your parka.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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