I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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