Just fell off a train. Bad.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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