Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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