I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
