Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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