God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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