Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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