win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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