Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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