Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
