One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
