Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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