Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
