he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
