My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
