Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
