I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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