Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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