I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
