please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
