I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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