Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Small penises have feelings too.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize