You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize