Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
