It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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