I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
