I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
