My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I need a beard to bite.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
