Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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