My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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