i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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