guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
