Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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