She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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