I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
