just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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