i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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