i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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