the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
