i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I deserve this hangover.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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