your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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