Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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