Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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