Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize