The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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