You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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