I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
