God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
