i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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