he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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