My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
